The Bad, the Worst and the Ugly

Lowlights, dark nights and weird sights of football, 1987, as culled from the Dead Season Scrolls: COLLEGES

--Well, it seemed like hours: As punishment for not cooperating with a National Collegiate Athletic Assn. investigation, Auburn quarterback Jeff Burger was scratched from the starting lineup against Florida. He was inserted into the game on the second play from scrimmage.

--Iona defensive back Dave Rattiner missed two games because he twisted a knee dousing his coach with Gatorade.

--The juiced-up ball controversy returns: California’s Bob Tabor recorded an 89-yard punt.

--After the University of Kansas’ team bus hit the wing of a parked plane in Montgomery, Ala., Doug Vance, the school’s sports publicist, said: “Looks like we’ll be going to the single wing.”

--Oklahoma State Coach Pat Jones, asked about Colorado’s backfield, which included Sal Aunese and Eric Bieniemy : “Half the names I can’t pronounce. They sound like a disease you get from chickens.”

--Talk about attractive opponents: Coach Stan Parrish of Kansas State (0-10-1), a homecoming opponent four weeks in a row, said: “We’ve seen more queens this year than the Miss America pageant”

--Colorado middle guard Kyle Rappold’s simple philosophy: “Football is great. You get to kick, bite, sweat, spit, fight, win and afterward hug a blonde.”

STRIKEBALL

--Good Timing Award: Preseason holdout Charlie Brown, upon signing with the Atlanta Falcons, said: “I’m glad it (the holdout) is over. I didn’t want to miss any more games.” Two days later, the National Football League players went on strike.

--Good Thinking Award: A prospective replacement drove up to Rams Park and asked a couple of veterans: “Hey, where do you sign up if you want to play?” He was immediately pelted with eggs.

--Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Boomer Esiason called off a team practice during the NFL strike because no one had a ball.

--Co-Captains: Tony Dorsett called teammate Randy White “Captain Scab” after White crossed the picket line, then Dorsett joined the replacements himself a week later.

--Good Geography Award: Washington Scabskin defensive back Charles Jackson said: “We are the official Washington Redskins. We represent the entire state of Washington.”

ERIC’S STRIKE

--The last play suggestion given to the Rams by running back and offensive coordinator Eric Dickerson: “Let him (Coach John Robinson) run the 47 Gap.”

--A Great Falls, Mont., disc jockey held an Eric Thon for the $692,000-per-year running back, receiving pledges of two pounds of rice from a federal commodities program, five aluminum cans (refundable), a baseball mitt and, from Custom Covers Upholstery, a crushed velvet crying towel.

--Coach Robinson, who said the team lost “trust” in Dickerson for trying to negotiate, was caught trying to sneak the names of 13 ineligible strikers onto the game roster.

REAL BALL

--Lean Bay called time out on the last play to rattle Chicago kicker Kevin Butler, who made use of the extra time to create a small mound in the turf to cradle the ball. He then kicked a 52-yard field goal to give the Bears a 26-24 win.

--Detroit’s Edsels puttered ahead of San Diego and Lean Bay to win the Bottom Ten Grand Prix.

--Empty Dance Card: The Jets’ Mark Gastineau registered his first non-strike sack on Nov. 29, Week No. 12.

--The Executive Who Got the Most Exposure: Houston General Manager Ladd Herzeg was arrested in Buffalo for allegedly “mooning” a wedding reception and punching out the bride’s brother. Ladd said the music was too loud.