Not Only That, but Aunt Bea and Opie Are Their Closers

A sampling of David Letterman’s “New York Met excuses:”

--Mistake to let Don Knotts bat cleanup.

--Play so much golf during season, thought lowest score wins.

--Baseballs are harder to throw than explosives.

--Didn’t scratch themselves enough.

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Add Mets: Believe it or not, the Mets lost bullpen pitcher John Franco for the rest of the season because of a “deep paper cut” on his left thumb.

He suffered the wound as he tried to put away a box of garbage outside his Staten Island home.

“I had to or the raccoons would have got it,” Franco said.

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Trivia time: Who holds the major league record for most strikeouts in a nine-inning game?

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Scary, daddy: R. Yauger Williams, a freshman offensive lineman for the University of California, lists his nickname as “Yagzilla.”

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Can we renegotiate? From Kevin Paul Dupont of the Boston Globe: “Los Angeles being what it is, it’s surprising that Kings owner Bruce McNall didn’t pay Wayne Gretzky $29.7 million for three years.

“No. 99 then would have been coining $9.9 million per year and it would have looked L.A. Cool, one chic check for the game’s No. 1 drawing card.”

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Add Gretzky: An Edmonton newspaper says the NHL Oilers’ payroll this season is between $8.5 million and $9 million.

Gretzky’s three-year contract with the Kings of $25.5 million averages $8.5 million.

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Power of prayer: Cincinnati Bengal General Manager Mike Brown on the competitiveness of nose tackle Tim Krumrie:

“It wouldn’t matter if you put Timmy out on the field with 10 nuns on his side. He’d still be thinking he could win and trying just as hard.”

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Cool guy: Dallas Cowboy wide receiver Alvin Harper is from Frostproof, Fla.

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Where was Hooker? Sports Illustrated reports that in a tournament at Cincinnati’s Miami Whitewater Golf Course, John Hacker of Winton Woods High played T.J. Shank of Northwest High. Shank beat Hacker on the last hole.

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Drowning franchise: Chet Coppock of the Chicago Sun-Times on Tampa Bay before the Buccaneers were beaten by the Bears on Sunday, 47-17:

“Tampa Bay, averaging a whopping 35 yards per game on the ground, is headed toward an 11th consecutive losing season. It should be given federal aid.”

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Trivia answer: Roger Clemens of the Boston Red Sox with 20 against Seattle in 1986.

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Quotebook: Australian heptathlete Jayne Fleming on Sydney being awarded the 2000 Olympic Games: “I’ve got sore smile muscles.”