LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Comedy writer Michael Connor, on the President’s Mideast trip: “He was left red-faced this morning after a miscommunication with an aide left him standing at the Wailing Wall with a harpoon.”

Comic Argus Hamilton says the Beefeater Guards will accompany Prince Charles to Los Angeles: “It should be spectacular. They will march on the L.A. Courthouse lawn twice a day for the changing of Judge Lance Ito’s mind.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on thieves in Zurich taking $40 million in Picasso paintings: “One art expert described the theft as ‘lacking the depth of feeling and sense of inner conflict typical of the postmodernists.’ ”

Mills, on former President George Bush’s “Saturday Night Live” appearance: “The director had to ask him three times to speak up when the audience was having trouble reading his lips.”

David Letterman, on the Massachusetts Senate race: “Ted Kennedy told voters, ‘Hey, don’t judge me by my past record. I was drunk at the time.’ ”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on 1994 elections: “The only good thing is that a new expletive can now be printed in newspapers: Incumbent .”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on police shutting down a Connecticut shop where models displayed lingerie by stripping out of it: “More than 600 state police volunteered to arrest the women.”

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Halloween update: “Pete Wilson is so dull and lacking in charisma that this year he plans on wearing an Al Gore mask.”

--Mike Kory, Victorville * The Forrest Gump costume: “Accessories include a bad haircut, big ears and the ability to garner national attention for no apparent reason. Previously listed as the Ross Perot.”

* The Middle Manager costume: “Sorry. This one is no longer available.”

--Ernie Witham, Santa Barbara A costume if you have just a suit and very little money: “Carry a dictionary and go as Dan Quayle.”

--Gary Easley, Whittier “Some kids are going as O.J. If they were smart, they would go as Robert Shapiro. That way they could take all of the little O.J.s’ candy.”

--Alex Kaseberg, La Jolla “The hottest-selling item this year is the Tiny Tot forensic kit. It allows trick-or-treaters to conduct DNA tests on any suspicious goodies.”

--Bob Mills *

On the grounds of San Fernando Mission are a number of peacocks, black swans, cats and the Monsignor’s own Sheltie. The Rev. James Blantz, of Chatsworth, says that one 4-year-old flower girl at a wedding rehearsal was so impressed that she brought Cheerios the next day to feed the peacocks.

Quite happy, she remarked to her mother: “This is the first time I ‘ ve ever been to a petting church.”