Even Zips Can’t Ruin Ohio’s Perfect Season

THE COLLEGES

“It’s too late to cancel,” outgoing Ohio U. Coach Tom Lichtenberg said before his Bobcats met the mighty Akron Zips in history’s first battle of 0-10 schools. After all, dozens of ticket-holders would have been disappointed. Instead, the minitudes watched with excitement as the Bobcats came out on the bottom, 10-24, to win the coveted Bottom Ten title.

And so the school’s name will be engraved on the bronze Bottom Ten dunce cap, which rests in perpetuity at Art’s Ammo, Sushi and Tanning Parlor in Death Valley, Calif. In addition, Ohio U. players are expected to receive the customary invitation to be guest stars on the next sitcom starring Tom Arnold.

On a positive note, Ohio State Coach John Cooper ended one of sports’ most bizarre streaks. Until defeating Michigan, Cooper--who has also coached at Arizona State and Tulsa--had posted an 0-9-2 record in those schools’ end-of-the-year traditionals.

The final rankings:

School, Record Last Loss Bowl 1. Ohio (0-11) 10-24, Akron None 2. Iowa State (0-10-1) 20-41, Colorado None 3. Arkansas St. (1-10) 14-20, La. Tech None 4. Houston (1-10) 13-31, Rice None 5. Kentucky (1-10)* 0-52, Tennessee None 6. Akron (1-10) Coach None 7. Georgia Tech (1-10) 10-48, Georgia None 8. The Smus (1-9-1) 24-35, TCU None 9. Kent (2-9) 0-34, Ball State None 10. Stanford (3-7-1) The Genius None

11. Temple (2-9); 12. Cincinnati (2-8-1); 13. Tulsane (merger of Tulsa and Tulane) (4-18); 14. Minnehaha (3-8); 15. Arizona State (3-8); 16.-19. Pentagon (Virginia Military Institute, Army, Navy, Air Force) (14-28); 20. Idle.

* Coach Bill Curry on Kentucky’s horrific season: “Rod Serling and Stephen King put this one together for us.”

Nice Try: Northwestern (3-7-1).

THE PROS

Call it a reverse Scottie Pippen.

Houston wide receiver Webster Slaughter, removed from the Giant game by rookie Coach Jeff Fisher, later reinserted himself into the lineup on his own. Slaughter’s behavior--he was also fined more than $9,000 after making some critical remarks--is about the only thing offensive about the Oilers these days.

In two games under Fisher, Houston (1-11) has scored 20 points--the kind of offensive output you’d expect from a Buddy Ryan team. Then again, Fisher once served as defensive coordinator under Ryan.

Now for some good news. Atlanta receiver Andre Rison emerged from the Falcons’ dog house to catch four passes for 92 yards. Rison, you may recall, was suspended for a week after being tardy to a team event for the 19th time this season (a Falcon record). How many times did he think he could use the old my-rap-star-girlfriend-burned-down-my-house alibi, anyway?

The rankings:

SWOON CONFERENCE

Team Was Is Next Loss 1. Philadelphia 7-2 7-5 Dallas 2. N.J. Giants 3-0 5-7 Cleveland 3. Buffalo 3-1 6-6 Miami 4. Houston 1-3 1-11 Arizona

MAKING MUSIC

Some NFL performers whose names are also associated with the recording industry:

Player Position Team 1. Michael Jackson* WR Cleveland 2. Tony Bennett LB Indianapolis 3. Tony Martin WR San Diego 4. Darryl Hall S Denver 5. (Steve) Bono QB Kansas City 6. James Brown T N.J. Jets 7. Elvis (Grbac) QB S.F.

* Wears two gloves.