Punch Lines

The Atlanta Braves have a player whose name is Wonderful Terrific Monds III. It seems that his great-grandfather was so thrilled when his wife gave birth to a boy after 11 girls, he thought the baby was “wonderful, terrific!” The name has become a family tradition.

What, you ask, were the names of those 11 daughters?

Says Jerry Perisho, “Well, there was Precious Magnificent, Delightful Special, Satisfactory Acceptable, Redundant Boring, Redundant Boring II and Redundant Boring III. The seventh daughter was named Seventh Daughter, then came Predictable Outcome, then Still Trying, then Tenth Daughter of the X-Chromosome King and, finally, Doin’ It Till We Get It Right.”

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In the news: Bob Dole would love to have Colin Powell as his running mate but the general has two excellent reasons for refusing, says Argus Hamilton: “ ‘The Dan Quayle Joke Book’ and ‘The Al Gore Joke Book.’ ”

Says Dennis Miller, “Voters are lining up behind Dole--mostly because his motorcade drives 10 mph below the speed limit in the left-hand lane.”

An L.A. toy company has started making dolls of current political figures. Says Jay Leno, “They’re not like normal dolls, where you pull a string and they talk. The way these work, you make a large donation to the doll’s campaign fund, and then it says whatever you want it to.”

This week, the U.S. Supreme Court will decide if intoxication can be a factor in a defense argument. Jenny Church asks, “Do lawyers who defend drunks belong to the Open Bar Assn.?”

The brightest comet in centuries will streak past the Earth this week. Scientists say that cultures living in fear and ignorance will be frightened. Says Hamilton, “The Los Angeles school board will throw a cheerleader into a volcano.”

Infomercial makers fear they’ll be squeezed out by stiff competition for TV time during the Olympics. Says Perisho, “Hey, if the Psychic Friends Network wants to make an impression, let them come on just before the 100-yard dash and tell us who’s going to win.”

NBA ace Dennis Rodman got in trouble for head-butting an official during a game. Says Bob Mills, “A classic case of assault with an unloaded weapon.”

Filmmaker Oliver Stone now has a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. Says Charlie Reinke, “The dedication ceremony was attended by his family, close friends and a suspicious-looking man on a nearby grassy knoll.”

Woody Allen is on tour in Europe with his Dixieland jazz band. Says Miller, “Reviews are generally favorable, but some critics are wondering what happened to Allen’s earlier, funnier music.”

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Reader Thomas Mooney of San Juan Capistrano was baby-sitting his 4-year-old granddaughter, Lisa, when she asked if she could have an orange. He handed her one, saying, “Now what do you say?” She replied:

“Peel it.”