Punch Lines

Modern Travel: To promote airline safety, a proposed FAA rule would require that every suitcase checked on a U.S. flight be on the same plane as its owner. “That means that even though you want to fly to Orlando at 9 a.m., you may end up on the 10 p.m. plane to Boise.” (Jerry Perisho)

* Major airlines oppose the plan. “They are even against a less stringent rule that would require luggage and owners to be in the same country,” says Bob Mills.

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In Pro Football: The Green Bay Packers are about 13 1/2-point favorites over the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl. “You’ve got brunches that don’t have as big a spread,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop.

* In other heavy Vegas odds on the game: “Somebody at your Super Bowl party will say, ‘At least it ain’t the Bills.’ ” (Scoop)

The Cowboys’ management hints the team will undergo a make-over. “They say the outlaw image has gotten out of hand,” says Argus Hamilton. “Do you know what they call a police lineup in Dallas? A huddle.”

Nature Watch: Florida scientists have found water pollution is causing female fish to develop male sex organs. “So far, the strange mutations seem to be limited to the relatively rare RuPaul trout,” says Bob Mills.

* “This is very bad,” says Alex Kaseberg. “If the fish get lost, they won’t ask for directions.”

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On Campus: “In a rare lapse of generosity, the NCAA has decided college athletes can get jobs. This statement was sent via ship-to-shore cable from the NCAA yacht SS TV Revenue anchored off Monte Carlo.”(Kaseberg)

* “That means they’ll have to learn these six little words: ‘Do you want cheese on that?’ ” (Paul Decker)

* “Athletes just can’t make it anymore on what alumni give them,” says Alan Ray.

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In the news: The FBI released more formerly classified files. Among the 15,000 pages newly available to the public were in-depth reports on organized crime and anti-communist groups and several Victoria’s Secret catalogs addressed to J.E. Hoover. (Olympia Daily World)

The Budweiser frogs will retire from commercials in March. “The good news is, brewskies go great with frog legs,” says the Daily Scoop.

* The new pitch creature is Larry the Lizard. “Larry is nonunion.” (Scoop)

The herd of buffalo used in “Dances With Wolves” has escaped. “Their whereabouts are unknown because no one remembers where the buffalo roam,” says Joe Kevany.

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Reader Sara Garo had settled down for a nap with her granddaughter Lilly, which apparently put Lilly in a contemplative mood. She asked out of the blue:

“Grandma, are we Christians or vegetarians?”