Trojans Present the Blue Side of the Reds

Pssst!

Yes, I’m talking to you.

Wanna attend a porno seminar?

Well, USC is hosting a “Conference on Russian Pornography” that the school calls “groundbreaking” (isn’t that a mixed metaphor?). It’s open to the public, and admission is free.

“The new freedom to publish and to discuss previously forbidden materials,” a press release says, “has created an opportunity for scholars to assess Russian pornography as a cultural and historical phenomenon. . . . Among the questions to be considered: How does Russian pornography differ from pornography elsewhere, and how has it been shaped by the Russian cultural tradition?”

These questions apparently require a lot of study: The conference lasts three days, May 22-24.

Wonder if there’ll be any showings of that X-rated classic, “Deep Throatski”?

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KID UNFRIENDLY?: Stan Braun of Reseda noticed a 40-mph sign on the same post as a school crossing sign, which he calculated to be “about 60 feet from Cleveland High.” (see photo)

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DEFINITELY KID UNFRIENDLY: Bob Heckler of San Pedro spotted an ad in a South Bay newspaper that caused him to comment: “My kid plays a lot of Nintendo too. But it never occurred to me to get rid of the annoyance by selling him off as part of a game set!” (see accompanying)

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TROUBLE, TROUBLE: “Great Moments in Courtroom History,” Charles Sevilla’s humorous column in the L.A.-based magazine CACJ/Forum, contains a trial excerpt that sounds like an Abbott and Costello script. A prosecutor is quizzing a defendant who has a friend named Trouble:

Q: Despite having 10 or 11 beers before you went, you were sober enough to drive from Trouble’s house to the 7-Eleven?

A: Right.

Q: You didn’t have trouble driving your car?

A: I did, but I didn’t crash.

Q: I’m sorry?

Judge: “Trouble” with a big “T.”

Q: You didn’t have David, known as Trouble, drive your car for you?

A: No.

Q: You did have trouble driving your car, but you just didn’t crash?

A: No.

Q: I’m sorry. Did I not understand what you just said?

Defendant’s attorney: The question is compound. He said no, he didn’t crash--

Q: Did you have trouble driving your car?

A: No, he--nobody drove my car.

Q: OK. Now we are back to the other problem. Now I am not referring to David. I’m referring to the adjective. . . .

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HALLOWEEN MUST BE THEIR BUSY PERIOD: An ad in a newspaper for an L.A. “fright” company (see accompanying) caught the attention of David Clear.

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KEEP OUT OF THE HANDS OF OCCUPANT: Kevin Reed of Long Beach received a letter from a cable company that carried this warning on the envelope:

“Important notice . . . Postmaster: This is a PRIVATE DATE LIMITED TRANSMITTAL intended for the above-named addressee only. Do not forward unless addressee has filed an authorized change of address form. If undeliverable, please handle in accordance with U.S.P.S. regulations.”

The letter was not addressed to Reed, by the way. It was addressed to “Resident.”

miscelLAny:

Sorry if the tone of today’s column struck you as gloomy. I’m always this way at the beginning of winter.

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Steve Harvey can be reached by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at [email protected] and by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053. If undeliverable, please forward to “Occupant.”