Laugh Lines

Duck Soup: With just two years left in his final term, Bill Clinton is facing a trial in the Senate. “How dreary is that? He’ll either be a lame duck or a dead duck.” (LaMonte Laments)

Off-Key: More troubles for the president. “Instead of playing ‘Hail to the Chief,’ the U.S. Marine Band will greet President Clinton with ‘The Embattled Him of the Republic.’ ” (Eph Robeck)

Oops: Under a new state law, police can stop trucks hauling kitchen grease to see if it’s stolen. “The first day proved to be a disaster when Hollywood police inadvertently stopped three ‘Baywatch’ 18-wheelers carrying grease for David Hasselhoff’s chest.” (Bill Williams)

At the Altar: It’s going to take Florida residents longer to say “I do” under a new law calling for a three-day cooling-off period. “If Dennis Rodman decides to get married in Florida, he’ll have to stay drunk for 72 hours straight.” (Mark Wheeler)

Prepping for Surgery: Doctors performing magnet surgery are using sophisticated software programs to guide surgical instruments. “With the new software, doctors no longer need to know someone’s blood type, but simply whether a patient is PC- or Mac-compatible.” (Johnny Robish)

Don’t Go There: Italian researchers say they’ve invented a car that runs on human waste. “That means one day we may be stopping at Taco Bell for both food and gas.” (Andrew Wisot)

Ah, Progress: A man in Kenya has reportedly found a way to make paper out of elephant dung. “Now you’ve heard of No. 2 pencils? Well, this’ll be No. 2 paper.” (Jay Leno)